Random Thoughts

Friday, September 29, 2006

Take a trip on the bitter bus

Ok, so I was going to post this deep and meaningful sentiment about how we should be thankful for what we have because so many people have so little, and I still feel that way, but I have something else to say.

Why, in the name of all that is holy and good, is everyone on the planet getting married? I realize that all people go through that point in their life when most people their age are getting married and starting families, but come on! So many of us are still in school, not even sure where we'll be in a few years. Is it wise to commit to someone who may ask you to move far away from where you would like to be? Yes, yes, loving someone means making sacrifices, but practicality must come in somewhere. If two people have similar careers, I see how it would be a little easier to do, but what if you don't? What if your career is specific and requires you to be in a certain place? What if that's the case for both of you?

Now, that said, I am more than a little bit jealous. I thought that I would be married by now and that everything would work itself out. I too had that amazing amount of faith that it would be smooth sailing and that we would both be happy where ever we ended up. Granted, I wasn't really going to be the one sacrificing. And now here I sit, bitter little Cynthia, watching everyone pair off and begin potentially very happy lives, with a few exceptions of course. And I wonder, what would have happened if I had joined the ranks of the "off the market?" Would I be happy? Would I still be in grad school? Would it matter? So on, and so forth. Yada yada.

It's like an infection, pardon the professional indulgence. I must be immune, sad as that is. Or at least immunized, which is different. I've always been very healthy, minus the two surgeries which don't count as bad health, so maybe I can't get "love sick" anymore. Maybe the marriage bug has passed me by, or I'm just a carrier (as if that wasn't the story of my life!).

Now, I am very happy for my friends and family that are married. Good for you. And those who are planning weddings or hoping to be soon, congrats. I'll come with bells on and dance at your respective weddings (that's a shout out to Grandma Charlotte). But chances are I will be a little more bitter as I leave than when I came. So, for my sake, please invite some nice single men to the wedding just in case. ;)

Thursday, September 28, 2006


On Gilmore Girls Tuesday, the season opener, Lorelai was getting rid of the things from her relationship with Luke. However, she was also getting rid of everything that reminded her of Luke, down to a spatula involved in resolving a past fight.

I was thinking about these extreme measures this morning and realized that I am wearing a shirt today that was bought when on a trip that holds special memories for me about my most recent relationship. And I like this shirt, hence the reason I bought it. Should I throw it out just because he liked it too? Should I get rid of all the things from that relationship? If so, half my music is gone, my bathroom decor, several movies that I like, I should never hike again, or say "I love you" to another person. In truth, I would have to remove part of myself. I discovered so many aspects of my personality during this relationship. Things I like, things I don't like, places I want to go, the kind of person I want to marry. My entire senior year of high school and nearly all of my time in college would have to be forgotten. I would need a brain wipe, basically.

Is this really how we should deal with a break up? Granted, I have caught myself getting rid of some things that are too much to keep or wondering if I should part with something, but mostly, I have built walls in my mind and heart to keep the pain away. This is not, however, something I would suggest to anyone else.

And how long is it until you can look back at these tokens without it hurting? Does it ever happen? Can a broken heart ever be truly mended? Is it like a pulled muscle that is never as strong again, or like a broken bone that is even stronger at the places it was broken? And does purging ourselves of our "spatulas" really aid the healing?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Why should I have a blog?

I started thinking about setting up a blog several weeks ago as I was reading Jen Hunter's blog. And then I caught myself talking too much at lunch today and decided that having a blog might be a good way for me to "talk" things out and not subject my friends to all my randomness. Now, everyone can just come here if they need some random thoughts, strong opinions, or reassurance that they are not the craziest person on Earth. I also think that maybe this will be easier for me to do than to keep a journal. Or that I can journal all the really private stuff and just blog about the other. We'll see.

Jen, I know that I'm copying you, but I trust your judgement, so I'm flattering you by copying you.